Impostor in Your Own Home, but You Deserve Grace and So Much More
Have you ever looked around and thought about where you are? I mean really taking in where you’ve come from to where you are? This is something I do often, because for whatever reason the enemy likes to remind me that I’m not deserving of the life I live. In fact, I’ll do you one better, I affirm the enemy’s tactics when he says I don’t deserve to be here. I look at my husband, our children, this home and I don’t know why or how these blessings lined the way they did. The only thought that comes to mind is God’s grace. Let’s rewind, I grew up in government housing, my family and I lived check to check. However, the struggle was never put in the face of my siblings and I until hard times actually hit. My mother was stuck trying to juggle two jobs, which put her in a position to not see us (my sisters and I) like she used to during the evenings, and in turn led us to make some good decisions and some not so good decisions.
For a very long time I struggled with my sexual identity. In fact, I was bound by my beliefs that I would always be with a woman. However, my mouth and my actions weren’t aligning with my heart. My heart yearned for love. In fact, I wanted to be loved so bad I figured multiple partners could help bring forth the love I desired. Manipulation, controlling my victims and yes, I said victims, were all identifiable to me as one who didn’t love herself first. I would leach onto women thinking they owed me their love, and in return they did just that, but they did it with their own agendas and through their very own insecurities as well. So, as I grew up and grew into my woman, I started fearing the well known Hinduism/Buddhism, saying of what goes around comes around, or in other words, KARMA. I knew that love would never love me back and that my life would probably equate to very little.
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
So, imagine how I felt when I met my husband and he just swept me off my feet with his loyalty and his desire to actually want to be with me and only me. Listen sis, I looked at this man all kinds of sideways and was wondering who sent him, because surely he had every trick up his sleeve to slaughter, I mean slaughter my heart. Turns out, this wasn’t his plan, and in fact, it isn’t God’s plan.
Photo by Allison Heine on Unsplash
Until this day, he has proved to me that karma doesn’t necessarily mean that you aren’t deserving of grace. What you’ve done, if you’re forgiving of yourself and forgiving of others, along with receiving forgiveness, you don’t have to live your life looking over your shoulder wondering what’s next. No, I’m not worthy of the beautiful life we live together, but I am worth it. Next time you’re feeling undeserving or as if you’re intruding on a lifestyle that you didn’t deserve, sit back and assess, but most importantly give thanks! Peace. Love. Blessing,
