I Was Made for This
What I love the most is that I wasn’t taught how to be a wife, but taught how to be a woman. Figuring out how to be a wife is my own journey. It wasn’t forced on me, it wasn’t told to me that I had to become a wife. In fact, my mother gave me free range to figure out who I was. She allowed me to explore myself in ways many parents and grandparents disagree with. During the exploration of Chellvie, I realized many things. I learned passions, dislikes, real people, fake people, but most importantly how to refrain from reserving who I was.
As many readers know I dated women for a big portion of my adolescent and young adult years. Exploring my sexuality throughout high school and college was something I needed to go through, but most importantly, God needed me to go through. A lot of the relationships I had back then were all over the place. They showed me what I needed, what I wanted and what I didn’t need nor want. I didn’t want children or a family during that time. I would babysit for neighborhood friends and pretend to care for the children that my significant others had, but the truth is, I was selfish. I had a need, yes a need, for love, affection, security, affirmations and everything that my insecurities led me to believe I needed at the time. I went where the attention was. As I grew up I realized how much of a strong hold my need for relationships really had on me. I didn’t want to spend time with family friends or loved ones. I only wanted to be around whoever my attention was with at the time. I was looking for wholeness and not looking to be completed by the only one who could complete me.
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash
Then it happened, the day my mom passed away, read Dear Mommy if you haven’t already, and I allowed that time to brush past me as if it weren’t precious, and worse as if I wouldn’t live with regrets. You couldn’t tell me then that I was selfish or what I was doing wasn’t right, because I was figuring me out. I was making mistakes that I now realize were needed to really ground me in the person God needed me to become. I remember my professor grabbing my hand and praying and he asked me are there things I wanted to surrender to keep my mom here. My heart said yes, but my head shook no. I wasn’t quite sure how the world would see me or receive me if I had quickly shifted my life to something one day from something else the next.
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So, if you’re wondering if I battle with thoughts such as feeling if I’m the one who let my mom die on her hospital bed, the answer is yes, I did. I allowed myself to battle with that so much that I continued to live in a place of defeat. I still wanted to be disobedient and I still wanted to do what it was I wanted to do. That is until God took me through the wilderness. I experienced pain, trauma, self inflicted pain and trauma, backstabbing and so many other things for the next couple years after my mother’s passing. I didn’t realize then that I was holding onto the very things God needed me to let go of. I didn’t have the holiest relationships with God and quite honestly I barely said yes to Him. However, I went to church, and listened to the preacher preach. I realized that my heart was yearning for the path that I had left back in my childhood days.
Photo by 🇨🇭 Claudio Schwarz | @purzlbaum on Unsplash
Again, I’m not the holiest of saints and I’ll never claim that I am, but the peace in relationship with God is what set me free from the chains I was bound in. Of course I didn’t recognize it and I literally thought it was my own work gaining my husband and having the beautiful life we live. But when I truly sit back and reflect, I realize, it’s not because of who I am, but whose I am. I was covered through every premature choice that I made. I was saved from every yes I should’ve said no to, and I’m still being healed from every wound that I encountered. You can’t allow society to shape who you’re supposed to be. I made a decision to walk in the lifestyle I was walking in, but I allowed the fear of how society or how my community would view me, to stay there. I’ve learned that people have to go through in order to grow through.
So if you’re finding yourself going through some things, let me tell you, go through them so you can see that growth after those things. I wasn’t made to be a wife. I was made a woman. Of course I had my unrealistic expectations when going forward with my husband, but as Pastor Todd said in relationship goals reloaded, Rip up your list. Once I did that, and believe me I do it daily, I realized that everyday is a new one and my husband and I are super dope together. Regardless of my thoughts of what I thought marriage should look like. I was always encouraged to be myself and that’s what my children will learn. They aren’t made to be a husband or a wife. They’re made to be themselves and all God has called them to be. Now if the title comes, it comes. But I’m not forcing the image of what society thinks people should look like, because God gives us the freedom of choice, and we have to choose things to make other things happen. Peace. Love. Blessings.
Photo by Sai De Silva on Unsplash.
