Vision

We’ve all heard a version of the saying, “without vision there is no plan, and without a plan, things fail”. This saying can apply to pretty much anything in life, and yes even marriage. However, if you are like me, you may be asking yourself how can I vision what I never knew I wanted or in some cases needed for my life? Glad you asked. This blog is about to get really real, really fast. So, hold on to something, because it is about to get real. 

I can remember being a young girl and any sort of dating being absolutely off the table. However, this was never verbalized until one day during elementary school I gave our land line to my grade school boyfriend. He called and my mom pretty muchlost her wig. She did her normal check in when friends called to speak to us, and because we were only 8 or so you couldn’t tell a young girl from a young boy unless of course you asked their names. So, after he told her who he was, she told him to never call the house again. How embarrassing. All I can remember from that day was being punished for something I had no idea was even wrong, and quite honestly, never received correction for, and also thinking to myself that I was going to be the laughing stock of my class once he tells all of our classmates that I couldn’t have boys call our house. This had to have been one of the first parenting tips I chose to scratch from my book after my husband and I decided to have children. I love my mom dearly and as with any parent, she did her thing raising us, but some things I choose not to pass down to my littles. 

I can recall the constant you don’t date boys. You don’t have a boyfriend, etc. that I believe crippled me in a way. I talk to Women my age now who had dreams of being married and being a wife, what their wedding day would be like some even drew pictures of their big day in their diaries, back when they were children. I’ve listened to Women go on and on about the visions they had of their wedding day as a child and I think to myself how did you even have time to think about these things with your mom or dad, or in some cases both mom and dad,being on your heels about not dating? This was something I shortly realized didn’t exist in every household. I am unsure why my mom and granny were so strict regarding relationships and dating, but I knew one thing, the strict rules equaled a heavy lesson growing up. Sneaking to date or like someone only turned into me talking to friends who were “wise” about their dating experience. It left a gap in communication and made me feel as if I could not talk with the people that I probably needed the most during that time. Fast forward and a few relationships in, I realized a constant unhealthy cycle that I had with myself. Of course, back then I wasn’t thinking about marriage or anything, but I found myself wanting to stay connected to the people I was dating at the time, regardless of what that meant. I can recall having unhealthy relationships and spilling my own insecurities, thoughts on what relationships look like, and baggage from previous relationships onto the next person I called mine. Of course, the obvious things such as not knowing how to properly date someone were prevalent, but what I didn’t realize was that this lack of teaching didn’t give me the “skill set” for relationships. Communication, trust, self-love/worth just to name a few were things that I should have learned at home prior to relationships, but as mentioned earlier, a lot of things were just a don’t mention sort of thing and I found myself “learning” habits from peers and formulating my own way of doing things by doing what I learned. 

I realize now, with the help of a lot of soul searching and discipline to figure out who I am, that what keeps my marriage going is number one God, and number two vision. My husband and I are two responsible people. When something isn’t right,we confront it. This shows accountability, but it also shows our desire and commitment to one another. We were not always at this level of accountability. In fact, we still have growing to do, but we were both willing to write the vision down. Our vision captured what it was that we desired from life individually and from our marriage. There were days, and I mean many of days that we’ve lost sight of the vision and felt like quitting, or in some cases we mentally did quit, but with the help of loved ones, therapists and our own wants to see things through we held tight to the vision. Marriage is not easy. It’s anything, but easy. As you grow with your person and into your person, you have tobe willing to see where it is you want to be. Making steps to get there and holding yourself and your spouse accountable for what it is you all want will help you remember the goal of the marriage, the reason you all chose each other to begin with, and the grit to keep on fighting.

Resources I recommend for creating a vision and keeping the vision are:

• Vision boards- each of you create an individual vision board first. It’s important to remember that before you were married you were an individual, so having individual vision boards allows for your own individuality to shine through. Create them together but focus on your board. Once you both are finished creating, share with each other what your vision is and what the subjects on your boards represent.

• Love map questions- These are open ended questions that get the conversation going between the two of you. It helps get things out in the open that otherwise just live in our heads. You know, those unrealistic expectations and visions we have 😊

• Vision statement- create a vision statement for what your marriage should look like. For instance, what are your ore values, what are dreams and goals, how do you plan to achieve them, are you into serving your community? Capture how you all want to be presented between each other and to society

• Mission statement- each marriage is different, and your marriage just like all marriages serves a purpose for this world. What’s your marriage mission?

These are ideas and tools used to start building towards the vision for the life you can create. Remember, our thoughts become actions and our actions become our reality. In order to achieve what it is you want to achieve rather that’s with your spouse or alone, you must live in purpose on purpose. Get moving. Get motivated. If you are single, it is never too early to start the vision on how you see yourself as a husband or wife, what you desire out of your husband or wife and how you all will make your mark on the universe. Nothing is too big or too small. My other piece of advice is to be open! Creating a vision board or doing the activities listed above does not mean things or your spouse won’t change, because life and people are forever changing. As a person, be willing to show and receive grace, because life is a lot better when we know how to share and receive this God given ability. If you have other marital tips, I’d love to hear from you in the comments! Peace. Love. Blessings.